Making Speaking Fearful

Johnny and his mother are going to the mall. By chance they meet Margery Scout, their neighbor, out doing errands.

Mother: "Hi, Margery! How are you?"

Margery: "Hi, Julie .... and you too little Johnny."

Little Johnny, shyly peeking out from behind his mother's leg: "Hi! Mrs. Scout".

Mother looks down sternly at little Johnny and tries to coax him away from her leg.

Margery, loving to gossip, looking at Mother: "Well, did you hear about......"

Little Johnny interrupts, tugging at Mother's pant leg: "Mommy, Mommy! I need to go...!"

Mother, looking stern: "Johnny! Be quiet and let the adults talk."

Little Johnny, raising his voice to insist: "But I really got to go, Mommy!" 

Mother, angry with Johnny: "Stop making a fuss. Everybody is looking at you!"

Little Johnny, thinking to himself, "I hate people looking at me when I talk."

Later that evening Johnny is getting ready to have supper with his parents, brothers and sisters.

Dad arrives late and brings home a unannounced guest. Mother is use to this. She just sets another plate.

While the guest is washing up, Father turns to the children and tells them that they must be very quiet and not interrupt while the adults are speaking.

During supper any attempt by the Johnny to enter the discussions is met by a stern look from the father and mother.

Little Johnny, thinking to himself: "I am so bad for talking. I shouldn't talk while other people are looking at me."

While in grade school the teacher cannot understand why he will not look at anyone or why he mumbles when he is asked to make a presentation before the class. On his next report card, the teacher writes 'has difficulty participating in class'.

Later in life, Johnny believes that people judge him when he talks in public and feels nervous when people around him look at him while he is talking. He has developed a fear of public speaking. He panics when he is the center of attention.

Walk this way?

Imagine for a moment that you can stand in a quiet corner of your mind and see all your thoughts, words, images, emotions and feelings as you interact with whatever is going on around you.

Your eyes and ears are sending you the information and your mind quickly finds references in your unconscious to make sense of what you are experiencing. You, as the Observer, can see all this happening. 

Then you realize that none of what is in your mind is real. It is just an old movie with a sound track and an emotion track. And, what is more startling is that the emotions which become the feelings in your body were created by how you interpreted what you saw and heard and felt.

Public Speaking For Fun?

Let's go back into our mind with our Observer. Close your eyes and see the Observer and yourself standing apart. The Observer sees everything in your mind.

Observer: "So you want to get over your fear of Public Speaking?"

You: "Yes. I feel very nervous when I go up on stage. I feel like everyone is looking at me. My mouth gets dry, my hands shake, I feel like running away and if someone asks me a question, my mind would goes blank.  I feel in total panic.

Observer: "When do you think this started to happen?"

You: "My father and mother both believed that children should be seen and not heard. That is the way they were raised. Then you tell the observer a story very similar to Johnny's."

Observer: "So, this started when you were a child. Now you have formed beliefs based on what happened when you were dependent on your parents. Your beliefs are what you assume is true, even though you may not be able to prove them."

You: "Yes, but I do feel nervous and all those other things. I tried to speak publicly but I never can. I don't like people looking at me and judging me."

Observer: "So, lets look at what your beliefs are. You believe children should be seen and not heard. You believe you should not draw attention to yourself because people will judge you. You believe you can't speak in public."

You: "Yes, that's right."

Observer: "Let's think back to when you were a child. You were very dependent on your mother and father. Whatever they did or said, you had no choice but to obey."

You: "That's true!"

Observer: "How you reacted to what your parents were saying is normally how children understand their parents. But are there any other ways that you might have felt about what your parents were saying, especially now that you have experienced life as an adult?" 

You: "Uh! What do you mean?"

Observer: "Exactly! Can you see other meanings you could give to what your parents said and did?"

You: "Well, they were raised with the idea that children were to be seen and not heard. They were never taught differently. They were applying the rules they knew. And, I guess mother, since she had so many of us, might have felt irritable most of the time. She herself was very shy and reserved. So maybe she felt self-conscious about speaking in public. She didn't like to attract attention to herself. And, maybe I wasn't doing anything really wrong, I needed to go to the washroom and as the parent she was responsible for taking me there. Being so young, my parents still had to take me. The same thing with Dad. He told me his Mother was a strict disciplinarian. The stick was never spared if she felt you were being unruly."

Observer: "So now as an adult, you see that what you believe can be interpreted differently. Your mother was acting out of her own fears. Your father was raised very strictly. You were doing nothing wrong, just the normal requirements of a child, so people had nothing to judge. And not allowing a child to speak in the presence of adults prevents them from learning to interact."

"The meaning that you attached to public speaking, that people were judging you, came from something that was not even true. As a child, you did not realize that."

"Do you still believe that when you are the center of attention, your are being judged?"

You: "Well, now that I see how I came to believe what I did, no! I just can't seem to get back to that. Besides, I chose to treat my children differently when my wife and I raised them. We had so many more resources available through books that we realize the two rules my parents used were not very useful for our childrens' mental outlook. So we never believed that "Children should be seen and not heard. And, we chose to praise our children whenever they excelled themselves. And discipline was never physical.  I just never thought to go back and rethink my own child hood."

Observer: "So, your parents did the best with what they knew?"

You: "Yes! I would say so."

Observer:  "So you can see that what you believe came from something totally unrelated to public speaking. Public speaking of itself is not dangerous to you. You do not need to have fear. Fear is something you need when you need to escape an imminent danger.

You: "Now I see that what I feared is not really what I was fearing. I was connecting the two through my experience as a child when I what I really needed to do is see it as an adult. Thank you for that."

Observer: "So let's go prepare that speech. We are going to Wow them!"

The process you need to take with you.

Imagine your Observer in your mind and then answer these questions.

1. Ask yourself what do I believe that is preventing me from doing something I want to do?

2. When did I start believing that? Did I have any other choice at the time?

3. Looking back at what happened could I have interpreted it differently? And, with my adult perspective, what other interpretations can I give it? List at least 3 different meanings you can give that are different from your original belief.

4. Do I still believe what I thought was true then? . Are my fears based in truth?With this new knowledge how can I change my old beliefs

5. Go prepare your speech. You are going to wow them!

You may need to go through several belief change cycles before you are totally comfortable. You may need to think through your beliefs about confidence and beliefs about your capabilities. Just remember that what you fear may have nothing to do with how you got there.