What is confidence?

I like the definition provided by Shlomo Vaknin on nlpweekly.com. He says that confidence is not a real emotion but an imaginary one used to define comfort in action. Confidence is comfort in action.

Where and when you need confidence is called its context. Context includes the circumstances and conditions which "surround" an event. So you may need confidence to give a public speech, or to meet new people, or even to do your job.

We need some kind of scale against which to measure what we mean by varying levels of confidence and when it would be useful to have confidence.

Let's say that shy is a normal level of discomfort in social situations. At this level we are able to enter into normal conversations and this minor discomfort does not prevent from public speaking or meeting new people or entering a room full of strangers.

Let's say that timid is a greater  than normal level of discomfort in social situations. At this level we are reluctant to enter into normal conversations and this minor discomfort does  prevent us from public speaking or meeting new people or entering a room full of strangers.

Finally, timidity, or discomfort in action becomes a social phobia when we cannot take any action at all because we are almost paralyzed with fear of any human contact.

In any social situation we are faced with imaginary stresses.  We attempt to perceive ourselves through other peoples eyes. 

And, if we imagine ourselves to come up short of the measure then we go looking for labels to define our behavior and ourselves.

Mind reading, as this is called, is imagining what others think. This practice is a  not very useful way of using our minds.

Learning To Learn

In any of these situations, we need to learn some basic skills. Our experience is such that we are missing something in our learning.

Education is learning how to learn. What we are supposed to come away from formal education with is the ability to learn.  I have yet to see a course in learning how to learning that is taught to all students.

Even an Internet search gave few answers. Once again, the very purpose of education is not really explained or taught anywhere. I call this the common sense approach to education. It is neither common nor sensible.

So I will define what I think learning to learn means and what it has to do with confidence.

Learning to learn means you know where, when and how to acquire knowledge and can apply it. You are able to understand and have the skills to use the information once you learn it. Learning is finding the information to create and apply to new skills.

Confidence is the comfort you feel in action. If you are confident in your ability to learn new skills and know when and how to use those skills then practice will build your confidence.

The more you feel confident in your ability to perform a skill,  the more confident you will become in the situation.

Last night I watch a documentary of Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen, the rock and roll band. One of the comments that was made, and I have often heard this said of very well known performing artists, is that he was shy.

Yet he was able to perform without even missing a beat. He had been there so many times beginning from the time he was a boy, that he no longer even appeared nervous.

Everyone Is Shy

Shy is a normal level of nervousness at being on stage or giving public speeches or meeting the new guy or girl. If you know what you are doing and do it often you will build confidence.

And it doesn't matter at what level you start, practice putting yourself in the situation that you fear most and your confidence will improve.

In order to face your fear ask yourself the following questions.

What is the problem? Is my fear reasonable? Is my fear even real, or am I imagining it? Am I reading other peoples minds? What it the real proof of my fear or am I making uncomfortable pictures in my mind or telling myself stories that are scarring me?

Once you are ready to challenge yourself to overcome your fears then you can go about acquiring some basic skills to begin mastering the action. You may just be thinking of meeting a few new people, or meeting friends in the hallways at school or even giving a speech to your class.

Here is the first skill you need to master.

Focus on what you are doing not on what you are feeling. People are too busy thinking about "What is in this for me" to be focused on how you feel or think. 

Public Speaking

If you are required to make a presentation in class or prepare a public speech then learn how to give a presentation by doing your homework. There are many books out there.

People are too busy thinking about "What is in this for me" to be focused on how you feel or think.  They sit there trying to get the content of your speech, especially if they will need to know what you are saying for a test.

Your skill to get the information across to them is much more important than how you feel and how you think (imagine) they feel.

So focus on delivering your speech. If necessary have some form of note system. And practice delivering that speech before you get there.

A good first practice is to imagine yourself giving that speech feeling exactly the way you want to, comfortable and confident.

Practice it out loud and imagine you are sitting before the group you are expected to deliver it to. Yes, even take a bow as they applaud you. All of this is good practice.

Then get a small group of friends together and go through it exactly the same way.  You want to get as much experience with your new skills so that they become the new habits instead of the old less useful ones.

In addition to this verbal practice, also learn new ways to relax. Taking long slow deep breaths and letting them out slowly, helps to reduce stress. Do this before and during your speech. Also begin your speech by scanning over the audience and smiling.

Casual Conversation

The very first thing to do when meeting someone else is to smile and say 'Hi". People just expect to be acknowledged.

Focusing on how you feel will prevent you from focusing on what you need to do. That is, focusing on the other person. You want to make the other person feel comfortable with you. Just remember that shy is normal. So they are shy too.

And, just like you, they are asking themselves, "What's in this for me!". Casual conversation is a harmless way of entertaining each other. It is casual because no one remembers what was said 5 minutes after the conversation.

If you act nervous and unfriendly without smiling or greeting them they will also feel uncomfortable because they are asking exactly the same questions of themselves. "Do they like me? How are they seeing me?" and so on.

Making conversation can be an easy game to play. After smiling and saying "Hi" start buy noticing something you like about the person or ask a simple question.

If I was at a conference for example, I might ask whether the person had as much difficulty as I did finding a parking spot. If I joined a group, I would listen and wait for a pause, smile, say "Hi" and introduce myself and ask for names all around. Then I would pick a word from the conversation I heard and ask a question about it.

Simple conversation becomes a word association game. And the more often you smile the easier it is to smile, even at complete strangers. A smile means I am friendly.

Telephone Conversations

I had forgotten until very recently that I used to hate calling anyone on the phone. I felt that I would be bothering them, that they would think I was just a nuisance.

Fortunately, as when I started working I had to learn to use the phone often. My attitude changed when I realized that many people are fearful of using the phone because they felt the same way I did. So I learned a new tactic.

Before I got on the phone, I smiled. Then, I identified myself and my company always smiling and thinking how much I appreciated the help of the person on the other end of the line. Then I make a few casual remarks about something we had in common or about the weather. Then I would deliver my request or inform them about what they needed to know.  Through all this I am smiling.

You will wonder why I smile when I can't be seen over the phone. But, it does translate into a more friendly tone and if your smiling you are not complaining.

If you do have a complaint, then phrase it in such a way that you do not attach blame. If the company provides good customer service they will do their own investigation.

This same attitude applies no matter who you are talking to on the phone. Since the only thing about you that they can interpret is your tone of voice, then make it as appealing as you can.

Some nervousness in any situation is normal. And, with practice, you can make sure that you control those imagined fears and are able to function normally.

Of course, if you have allowed those fears to become so big in your mind, then you will need to practice much more than when they were more easily controllable.

Challenge yourself! Keep score of how far you can go day-by-day pushing past the last level until you feel you are again in control.

Remember, the only real fear is from real life-threatening danger. Anything else just requires you to learn a few new skills.