Making Changes
My youngest brother recently reviewed my website. He was very tactful, thank you.
The hardest part of critiquing family is to show that you actually know what you are doing and that you have researched enough to make intelligent comments.
My own research includes current psychological methods and theories as well as studying Internet writing and marketing. The change methods that I write about are proven and tested in the research literature.
I continue to study and read and take additional courses in various therapies. I also review the books I use on my website. I hope that my articles, though brief, are convincing.
In his email to me my brother commented that, "One way or the other for me, I found that my behaviors and personal myths or illusions are very deeply rooted indeed. They often are interwoven with other perceptions and beliefs, so that if one tumbles so do many others. (for example I try to alter a negative thought pattern)"
He continues, "It seems to take a long time from when I perceive the possibility of change in a behavior or thought pattern, to the point where the more positive perspective seeps down from my intellect into a more visceral part of my being. Even then, under pressure (stress, fatigue, extreme emotion, etc) I can at times revert to old behavior."
Even though the steps to change can be simply stated, making a change in ourselves requires both persistence and understanding.
Our automatic programs resist change. To guard against information that may seriously affect us, our critical mind filters out information that would unsettle our current mental and emotional status. In other words our minds have safe guards to protect our beliefs.
These automatic programs and beliefs are part of our subconscious. For example, once we have a belief, we tend to filter out information that would disprove that belief.
While this is a good safe-guard to protect us against too many changes, it also causes resistance to any preferred change. We need to work extra hard to get past that resistance.
The solution is to repeat the new programming over and over again. We need to repeat it often enough that our subconscious mind accepts the new routine as automatically as it did the original routine.
Let me give you a personal, though somewhat trivial, example of a change I recently had to make.
A few months ago we bought a new dishwasher. Despite that, the utensils still occasionally come out dirty. This is a little frustrating, since this machine meets much higher quality standards than our old machine.
Recently my wife decided she would test a new way of putting the utensils into the utensil rack in the dishwasher. This meant that I could no longer throw the utensils randomly into the rack when I put them away.
For years we had used this random method so that it had indeed become a very automatic program. I certainly did not need to stop to think about what I was doing. I just simply dropped the utensils into any slot.
When she decided to change the system a couple of months ago, I resisted the change. "What was the point?", I asked.
She replied, "I want to see if the knives and forks will come out cleaner than what we are doing now."
For two months we organized the utensils by putting the same type in individual slots. All the forks in one slot, the knives in an another, the teaspoons in a third and soup and large spoons in the last one.
At first I mixed up the utensils, but gradually I got the hang of it. I deliberately stopped doing the old habit and purposefully focused on sorting the utensils.
I persisted until I go the change I wanted. Until, I could throw all the knives and forks and spoons into the appropriate slot.
After about three weeks, I finally was sorting everything just right. The benefit of sorting them this way after they were cleaned was that I was able to grab them all together to put them away.
The same applies to changing any habit. You have to persist and repeat it for a long enough time to actually make it stick.
Explaining how to make the change is easy. Making the change is only as difficult as how much you resist and whether you persist.
You need to define what you want to change and you need to define what you want instead. Generally that is all you need to get the change you want.
Typically changes in habit take about three weeks. And, during those 21 days, you should only try to make only that one change.
The main ingredients are focus and persistence. If you do not maintain focus on your goal and persist in doing the steps of the new method you will not learn the new habit.
It doesn't matter if it is a thought or a physical habit. If you are want to change a belief such as a prejudice to a broader point of view then you have to interrupt your thinking whenever that prejudiced thought enters your mind and replace it with a preferred point of view.
After repeating this for at least 3 weeks the new belief will begin to become a part of your thoughts.
Sure there are tools you can use to help yourself, such as imagining and mental practice, but, you still need to focus on your goal and make sure you persist in doing the task.
You need to keep on testing yourself until finally the preferred habit becomes the one you do automatically.
And, even after testing the new dishwasher method, the utensils occasionally still came out dirty. So we went back to the old random method.
As for brothers reviewing my blog, I only hope they will continue.
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