I am trapped somewhere in pain, unable to escape from my skin, like a nightmare, not knowing if I am safe or even if I will even come out alive. Fear, anger, guilt. All of these burrow under my skin.

Anxiety and its final destination, depression, can be like diving into a pool of black oil with no way of knowing which way to go, where to find light, where to fill lungs with fresh air.

We suffer the trauma of stress and anxiety by reliving the events over and over in our minds. We anticipate that what happened before will happen again. We relive as though it is happening now.

But it isn't! The event is long over and we have survived. That was then, this is now. You are safe and secure, here and now.

I've been in this pool before and I know that eventually my mind will propel itself toward the air my lungs are screaming for and the light my inner self seeks.

I wait, knowing what I want. I wait knowing that I will find balance. I wait and avoid those things that keep tripping the trigger, trapping me in tangled thoughts.

What has pushed me back to that activating moment when I first experienced this crisis, the panic attacks and ensuing depression?

The problem I need to work on now, requires an important client to be involved. I wonder, "What will he think of me if the problem is one that I caused?"

What is the core belief that draws me into this accident, this wreck, this torment?

I define myself by being defined by others.  My happiness is not what I choose.  I need someone else's approval to live my life.

That is a weakness, a core belief that needs to be addressed and changed.

Getting To Change

Change is effortless if you are committed to it and it fits into your belief system.

Our minds are created in such a way that we naturally resist change even if it means it will improve our lives.  Even when what we want to change causes us pain, our critical mind resists that change because it is a known.

Change means unknown to the critical mind. And unknown is far more painful to the critical mind than the pain of being overweight.

For example, you want to lose 20 pounds because your doctor has warned you that if you do not it will have an effect on your heart. Your doctor gives a special diet that does not include any of your favorite foods.

You follow the diet for a while and you may even lose the 20 pounds. But, as soon as you reach your goal you sneak back all the foods you were making an effort to avoid.

Knowing that you want to change and having an ideal image of yourself in your mind just adds to your anxiety and stress.

So where do I begin? 

First I need to become aware of what I am thinking, how I perceive the world, what my attitude is. I must be aware of what my current mood is.

My mood colors how I feel about anything that I think or that happens to me at any moment. In a happier mood, everything seems easier than when I am in a less useful mood.

I need to understand how and why I learn.  Change involves learning. And if I am receptive to learning, if I am motivated to try something new, then I will learn more easily.

Learning is retraining your brain and thus your mind. Your mind is the process of thinking. It only exists to give as a way of talking about how we think and feel and how we process the messages we receive from the world around us.

You need to think if any part of you objects to the change. Then ask that part, as though it were an individual, what it objects to. With your new self awareness, you should be able to identify those thoughts which come from that part.

Like the example I gave about anxiety above, language is also important. What we repeat to ourselves, the words we use, becomes how we behave. If what we say to ourselves is constantly putting us down then that is how we will feel.

Thoughts have a physical result. If you think your are capable then your feelings, the physical effects in your body will reflect that.

If we exaggerate or create drama, or focus on feelings of fear or weakness, or tell ourselves that we are incapable then we are creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

Negative thoughts shrink parts of our brain if we focus on them too long. If we have negative expectations of ourselves, of our family and friends and the world around us then we create a spiral of negative expectations the leads us to a corner out of which it is often difficult to escape.

Change is scary

We create change by going forward boldly. Our mind will play tricks on us. It will tell us to be afraid. But, remember, the only real fear is that which threatens our life. Our minds fear change, an unknown, even when it causes us unnecessary pain.

Now that the crisis is over, the deafening scream in my mind has passed, I can begin to make the changes. That is what I learn.